WHO’S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WORD?

I like to write. That would be obvious, I would think. I’ve preferred using the written word to verbal intercourse to communicate my more urgent thoughts, as well as some frivolous ones, for as long as I can remember. For that reason the arrival of email was a wonderful event for me.

The problem, I’ve found, is that a lot of people don’t share my love of written discourse. I used to send friends long missives, written and checked for errors or better verbiage and ways to communicate what I was trying to say. I would anxiously send it off, only to receive…no response, two-sentence responses to my labored-over text, and even just pictures or jokes. Over time I learned who was inclined to write significant responses and who wasn’t. The first group is small. There is my sister, my niece, and one friend. There is a larger group that responds, but not as thoroughly as I would like. One friend usually responds to my emails with a phone call. He’s of above-average intelligence, is certainly literate, but prefers to flap his gums on the phone than engaging in the arduous task of actually writing. I don’t.

Writing provides me with the opportunity to mull over what I want to say, word it carefully, and present it in the best way that I can, something that speaking extemporaneously does not. The biggest problem that I have with emailing involves time constraints, and I know that that is a problem for many. I understand that and empathize. But the thing about not wanting to write…? I don’t get it. Of course, I wouldn’t expect to. It’s like a friend once said to me when I was wondering why two men would want to be sexually intimate with each other: He said that if I understood it I would most likely be a homosexual so I should be grateful that I didn’t. (Not politically correct? Good. Maybe I can get some comments for a change.)

I enjoy writing. Many people don’t. I enjoy reading. Many people don’t. I don’t get it, but I don’t understand why, say, Celine Dion has become rich singing cloying, pedantic love songs in her patented exaggerated, annoying way. That I don’t understand it has made her no less wealthy so I guess that I should get over it. In time I guess that I’ll get over other’s aversion to writing.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

As I have indicated in previous entries, I squandered much of my earlier life mindlessly pursuing an endless good time instead of preparing myself to make the most of the future. While there is something to be said, a lot in fact, for living in the present, for most of us there are a considerable amount of years yet to be lived and I have found through hard experience that those years will not be easy if we do not make some type of preparation for them.

After the absolute necessity of providing food, clothing and shelter I believe that preparing a child for life as a responsible adult should be a parent’s most important duty raising their children – that and teaching them, largely through example, to be a person with a sense of integrity, honesty, and respect for themselves and others. The worse thing that a parent can do is turn their child out into the world with little or no clue as to how to survive in it. Of course, there are instances when your best effort as a parent just doesn’t do it. I believe that was the case with my parents and I fear that it could be mine. Sometimes a child is just drawn inexorably to doing solely what they want as much as they possibly can, and unfortunately usually what we want growing up is not what will serve us best when we are confronted with the harsh reality of survival in the world.

About eight years ago I realized that, at best, I was spinning my wheels and going absolutely nowhere. The endless pursuit of a good time had long ago grown hollow and I was flirting with the possibility of winding up somewhere making my bed on a bench or under a bridge. Since then I have been playing catch up, learning all of the things that I didn’t learn many years ago when my peers were beginning to make their way in the world. The things that I have had to learn and am still learning are varied. Rather than try and list them all, it would be easier and probably more honest to just put them under the heading of “Learning to be Responsible.”

This process has been painful and slow at times. I have certainly come quite a ways in the past eight years, but I just as certainly have a long way to go. It can be very frustrating. I am a middle-aged man and I often feel like a teenager or someone just past legal drinking age. I often feel like a pretender, a child in the guise of a grown man. But I soldier on.

One of my mantras has become, “I will not give up!” That was not my way in what I think of as my ‘previous life.’ When the going got tough, I got going – in the other direction. Now I am learning to face those things that previously sent me scurrying, tail between my legs.

When I got married and became a father, pretty much everyone that knew me was amazed. I was probably one of the last people anyone, myself included, expected to take that momentous step. I was, in the words of McKinley Morganfield, “Way past 21.” I had no children, nor did I particularly want any. I had been engaged to be married once, and it was a blessing to both my betrothed and me that I did not go through with it. I was much too irresponsible to be anything but a lead weight around her neck.

By the time that I met my wife I was resigned to a life lived alone. I had no idea what was coming and how difficult it would be. Through the difficulties that we have faced and still face I have truly learned the value of faith. Without a belief that with some direction and effort life will get better, I think that I would’ve fallen back on my old habit of running away long ago.

After almost seven years together, my wife and I sometimes get frustrated that our efforts thus far have not gotten us further than we are. We still face many difficult struggles, financially and otherwise. Often I have to stop and take stock and make note of the many blessings that we have received. We’re in relatively good health, and though we still struggle, there are signs that we are about to climb up onto the peak of financial stability off of the rocky crags of near-poverty. Undoubtedly, we still face many difficulties that, if I allow them to, could convince me that my efforts are useless. But I will not allow them to. I will not give up!