PARENTING IN 2010

One of my worst nightmares is starting to come true. My youngest daughter is already starting to show signs of the rebelliousness and disrespectful attitudes that my two oldest children have displayed. I had hoped that my wife’s and my efforts to keep her on the straight and narrow, so to speak, would help her not to model her sibling’s behaviors. But already, at just ten, she is starting to parrot some of the same concepts… she isn’t using the same verbiage – “you are disrespecting me”, but it seems to be the same thing. She seems to have a problem understanding the parent/child dynamic. She feels that it is wrong when she isn’t allowed to do what she wants if she feels strongly about something or speak out on something that she feels strongly about. It seems that the days of a child knowing their place are a thing of the long-ago past. And the thing is that Rachelle and I give her a fair amount of leeway, but there are times when you have to say “No” and/or “Be quiet”. She doesn’t get that.

Maybe it’s a bit of karma on my part. Some of my friends seemed to feel that I got away with a lot of questioning and got to do or not do a lot of things that I wanted or did not want to do when I was growing up. I would want to know what their reasoning was for one thing or another. I felt that I was supposed to be heard. However – and this is a major difference – I knew when I had pushed the envelope a little too far. I knew that if I didn’t be quiet when I was told to or, God help me, got loud or something I was going to get my behind tanned.

Zoe has probably only had her butt whupped a little more than a handful of times in her life. Partially because until recently there weren’t a lot of reasons to do so, partially because I hate doing it (the old cliché “This hurts me as much as it hurts you” definitely has some resonance for me now), and partially because I have had some doubts about its effectiveness as a child-rearing tool. But her behavior today is giving me second thoughts! “Spare the rod – spoil the child!” I was just talking with someone the other day about how parents have lost control of their children and how the police will come and arrest you if your kids claim that you have “abused” them. I tell you what! I was “abused” a fair share of times growing up and I’m glad that I was! As bad and stupid as I have been in the past, I shudder to think how much worse I might have been if I didn’t know, growing up, that a belt or switch might be waiting on the other side of that decision or action!

The thing that really galls me, and maybe this is shallow of me, is that she just returned from Disney World yesterday! Though we really couldn’t afford it, I bent over backwards to make sure that she was able to perform and spend the weekend with the rest of the chorus group that she is a member of. And then to hear her tell us that we don’t care about her and we treat her badly?! I wanted to scream!!!

Her brother has seemed to always have trouble understanding that he was the child and we were the parent, as far back as I can remember. Zoe’s sister didn’t really starting acting out until she hit her teens, but then it seems as if she was trying to make up for lost time. In fact, I really believe that it is DeVecchi that Zoe is mainly mimicking because that was the main person that she saw acting out in the last few years, when she was old enough to think that she understood what was going on. And what I think that she got from her sister’s (and her brother’s) dysfunctional acting out is that she should have, if not all of the rights and privileges of an adult, at least the majority of them. Then again, I didn’t have anyone modeling that type of behavior for me so where did I get my notions from? For one thing, my siblings were much older than me and were all out of the house by the time that I was five years old. Furthermore, my parents were a lot stricter with them than they were with me. Maybe I was just spoiled. Is Zoe spoiled? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s just a case of the sins of the father…. I really don’t know.

I do know that I think that I’m going to get her to a therapist. Something is going on and I want to do everything that I can to nip it in the bud now! I want her to maximize the gifts that God has given her. Her grades are starting to slip this year. She might be looking at not being on the honor roll for the first time. Of course, that is mainly, by the observations of both her teacher and what Rachelle and I know, due to her being easily distracted, having notable problems focusing and being disorganized. At any rate, I think that a therapist will help us address and, God willing, work through all of those problems.

I would really appreciate some feedback for this one from the 2 – 3 persons who will possibly read it. If anyone has had similar experience that they might be able to draw upon to help us to understand and work through this, I would truly love to hear from you! Even if you haven’t had any experience in this arena I still want to hear from you.