WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE

I thought I had a head start. When I was thirteen I joined my first band and before I had turned fourteen I knew what I was destined to do for a living – be a rock star. I was convinced. I practiced my craft, we (the band – Sabotage) practiced ours, and we both started getting better by leaps and bounds and I became more and more convinced that my destiny was cemented. It was just a matter of time.

When I was eighteen, Sabotage broke up. The drummer joined the military and the guitar player (RIP – Jim Tisdale) and I joined other bands. I was in and out of the band that I joined, Jutz Nutz (RIP – Woodye), for almost the next twenty years. In between I made some recordings of my own with another musician friend, a total of about fifteen songs that I became sure were going to make me rich and famous. That was about twenty-five years ago. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I played with a few other bands briefly and played on a few other recordings, but none of them even made it out into the public forum, much less made me rich and famous.

One day I found myself in my mid-30’s, floundering around in the stagnant pool that my life had become, wondering what happened. For over twenty years I’d thought that I knew what I was here for, what my purpose in life was, and suddenly it occurred to me that I was probably wrong. I figured if I hadn’t become a rich and famous musician at age 35 then it probably wasn’t going to happen. So, I virtually abandoned my musical pursuits and moved from my hometown of Chicago to Milwaukee, of all places. But it was there, in Milwaukee, that I met a young woman who, less than a year after I met her, became my wife.

Understand that by that time in my life, if I’d ever had any thoughts of getting married or becoming a dad, those days were long gone. I had pretty much figured that God wanted me single and childless. For the most part I was okay with that. I’m kind of a solitary person. For the most part, when I felt that a girlfriend was getting too close to me, or vice-versa, I’d break it off. There were times when I rued my lack of a significant other and there were times where I pined for that elusive “soulmate,” but, all in all, I had accepted it.

There was no way, in the late summer of ’98, when I moved to Milwaukee, that you could have convinced me that two summers later I’d be married with two children and one on the way. I didn’t think that I was ready for that. I didn’t think that I wanted it. In truth, I wouldn’t have believed that I could handle that. I had enough trouble trying to take care of me; I wasn’t responsible enough to be a dad. Just goes to show how much I knew. Obviously, God had other plans.

So, here it is, 2010. I’ve been married for over 10 years. I don’t even own a guitar anymore; my two oldest children are grown and just about grown – technically anyway. My youngest daughter is ten and growing fast. My grand illusions of being a rich and famous rock star are not only gone, but I no longer have any desire to be such. I haven’t in quite a while now. I’ve accepted that, right now anyway, my purpose in life is to be the best husband and dad that I can be. Sometimes I think that I am not doing such a bang-up job of it. At other times I feel that I’ve done pretty good considering that God just threw me into the water and said, “Swim!”

There are times when I play the “what if” game. What if I had pursued my music more seriously? What if I had spent more time tending to the business of the show instead of concentrating almost solely on the show itself and the nonsense that I felt went along with it? What if I had have taken my studies more seriously? What if I had taken my family and friends’ advice and when to college so that I could have a backup in case the music didn’t work out? What if I had have decided to attend Morehouse with my buddies back in the day, like my mom wanted me to? What if? What if? What if?

You know what? God put me where I am supposed to be. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. So, until or unless it’s clear that He’s revised the plan, I’m going to do the best that I can where I am because, obviously, this is where I’m supposed to be. Don’t get me wrong – I’m vigilant for any further developments. I don’t doubt that there’s something else out there for me. Sometimes I almost think that I can feel it, right around the corner. But, either way it goes, I trust God to handle things. I trust that I’ll be where I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be there and, even if that place doesn’t coincide with what I had in mind and might be a little uncomfortable at first, I have to keep in mind that my fortune telling skills have proved to be suspect, at best. But my God knows the way. I’ll follow Him.