GETTING OLD?

I'm watching these "men" review a movie and they started their clip of with a tribute to Roger Ebert; and I'm wondering, "What do these youngsters know about Roger Ebert?" But then I realized that Ebert, except when medical issues made it impossible, never stopped writing; and then I realized that I'd been reading his reviews since the late 70's!!! Which, in turn, made me feel old......

I'M ANGRY!

Why is anger the “go-to” emotion of so many people? Tired? Get angry! Frustrated? Get angry! Hungry? Get angry! Scared? Get angry! Anxious?… you get it.



Then there are those that confuse annoyance with anger. In my mind there is a big difference between being annoyed and being angry. It annoys me when someone bumps into me and doesn’t say, “Excuse me.” It makes me angry if they hit me in the face. Big difference. Some people react as if they’ve been hit in the face if they’re bumped into. Some act like that if someone says something to them that most would simply find annoying. How many people are killed every year over something that, after a little time behind bars, their murderer wishes they had’ve responded more appropriately to?



Wussup widdat? Personally, I find that anger saps me. I try to avoid it whenever possible. I realize that there are times when it is useful, but I believe that those times are far and few between.



I think that people place a perverse value on anger in our society.



You can have it. You better. You don’t wanna make me mad!

LIFE'S A BISH!!!

Life can be difficult… extremely difficult. I don’t think that is a newsflash for anyone reading this.

There was a time in my life where I was pretty aggressively doing dumb, self-destructive stuff on a regular basis. I was clueless and lost. Then, after a very long period of time being a dumb-ass, I made a conscious decision to make a change. And I did that. I made a change. A big one. It’s been over twelve years now since I made that decision and went about changing my ways and guess what? I still often feel clueless and lost.

It’s funny (as in ironic), because when I was screwing my life up big time it seems as though people kind of accepted me as a screw-up and didn’t really hold it against me. Since I’ve made serious changes and am attempting to live a responsible life it seems as if I’ve made several enemies, as if I’ve turned several people who were previously friends, good friends, I thought, against me. I’m not trying to insinuate that these people liked me better as a screw-up. In fact, the people that I refer to probably would opine that I am still a major screw-up and therein lies the problem!

Sometimes I have to tell myself, “Ric. You have helped to raise two children and am bringing up a third! You have brought some measure of happiness and fulfillment to your wife (and vice versa – both in terms of the opposite of what I’ve brought and the fact that she’s brought happiness and fulfillment to me).” But, in general, I am trying my damndest to be a productive, responsible, mature member of society and sometimes it just feels as if it ain’t paying off that great!

So…… now that I’ve had my emotional dump, let me get off of my pity-pot and take a more sweeping and inclusive appraisal of my life thus far.

a) The dumb-ass that I used to be? I’m not that dumb-ass anymore! (I’m a different one – new model! - Demz jokes!)
b) I have a beautiful wife that loves me and three beautiful kids that, though they drive me out of my ever-loving mind and worry me to no end, love me too! And who doesn’t want someone who loves and appreciates them?
c) I’m in decent health. Hell! I’m forty-eight years old! I take a few meds err’day now, but I can get around and do my thing!
d) Though me and mine suffer a lot of setbacks – and we do! Ain’t no need of being disingenuous about it! Life be rougher den a muhfuh sometimes, naw mean? – I’m sorry. I had a moment there…… In layperson’s terms - I was saying… we suffer some setbacks, BUT I take note of the blessings! And there are many! I thank God for those!
e) As my mother-in-law likes to say, life, “never promised us a rose garden.” (Ok! It’s not an original sentiment, but I love her for it anyway!) But we can keep digging those weeds and try and let those roses grow! And, goshdarnit, if we can’t grow roses, appreciate the doggone weeds! In the words of my man, Mac Davis (if you don’t remember him, you’re too young. Don’t worry about it!) “Everything is beautiful/In its own way!

Thanks for reading my rant! God is good and we gon’ be aw-ite!

PARENTING IN 2010

One of my worst nightmares is starting to come true. My youngest daughter is already starting to show signs of the rebelliousness and disrespectful attitudes that my two oldest children have displayed. I had hoped that my wife’s and my efforts to keep her on the straight and narrow, so to speak, would help her not to model her sibling’s behaviors. But already, at just ten, she is starting to parrot some of the same concepts… she isn’t using the same verbiage – “you are disrespecting me”, but it seems to be the same thing. She seems to have a problem understanding the parent/child dynamic. She feels that it is wrong when she isn’t allowed to do what she wants if she feels strongly about something or speak out on something that she feels strongly about. It seems that the days of a child knowing their place are a thing of the long-ago past. And the thing is that Rachelle and I give her a fair amount of leeway, but there are times when you have to say “No” and/or “Be quiet”. She doesn’t get that.

Maybe it’s a bit of karma on my part. Some of my friends seemed to feel that I got away with a lot of questioning and got to do or not do a lot of things that I wanted or did not want to do when I was growing up. I would want to know what their reasoning was for one thing or another. I felt that I was supposed to be heard. However – and this is a major difference – I knew when I had pushed the envelope a little too far. I knew that if I didn’t be quiet when I was told to or, God help me, got loud or something I was going to get my behind tanned.

Zoe has probably only had her butt whupped a little more than a handful of times in her life. Partially because until recently there weren’t a lot of reasons to do so, partially because I hate doing it (the old cliché “This hurts me as much as it hurts you” definitely has some resonance for me now), and partially because I have had some doubts about its effectiveness as a child-rearing tool. But her behavior today is giving me second thoughts! “Spare the rod – spoil the child!” I was just talking with someone the other day about how parents have lost control of their children and how the police will come and arrest you if your kids claim that you have “abused” them. I tell you what! I was “abused” a fair share of times growing up and I’m glad that I was! As bad and stupid as I have been in the past, I shudder to think how much worse I might have been if I didn’t know, growing up, that a belt or switch might be waiting on the other side of that decision or action!

The thing that really galls me, and maybe this is shallow of me, is that she just returned from Disney World yesterday! Though we really couldn’t afford it, I bent over backwards to make sure that she was able to perform and spend the weekend with the rest of the chorus group that she is a member of. And then to hear her tell us that we don’t care about her and we treat her badly?! I wanted to scream!!!

Her brother has seemed to always have trouble understanding that he was the child and we were the parent, as far back as I can remember. Zoe’s sister didn’t really starting acting out until she hit her teens, but then it seems as if she was trying to make up for lost time. In fact, I really believe that it is DeVecchi that Zoe is mainly mimicking because that was the main person that she saw acting out in the last few years, when she was old enough to think that she understood what was going on. And what I think that she got from her sister’s (and her brother’s) dysfunctional acting out is that she should have, if not all of the rights and privileges of an adult, at least the majority of them. Then again, I didn’t have anyone modeling that type of behavior for me so where did I get my notions from? For one thing, my siblings were much older than me and were all out of the house by the time that I was five years old. Furthermore, my parents were a lot stricter with them than they were with me. Maybe I was just spoiled. Is Zoe spoiled? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s just a case of the sins of the father…. I really don’t know.

I do know that I think that I’m going to get her to a therapist. Something is going on and I want to do everything that I can to nip it in the bud now! I want her to maximize the gifts that God has given her. Her grades are starting to slip this year. She might be looking at not being on the honor roll for the first time. Of course, that is mainly, by the observations of both her teacher and what Rachelle and I know, due to her being easily distracted, having notable problems focusing and being disorganized. At any rate, I think that a therapist will help us address and, God willing, work through all of those problems.

I would really appreciate some feedback for this one from the 2 – 3 persons who will possibly read it. If anyone has had similar experience that they might be able to draw upon to help us to understand and work through this, I would truly love to hear from you! Even if you haven’t had any experience in this arena I still want to hear from you.

APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING

Well, my two readers, it’s almost Xmas time again and, again, I’m wondering how I’m going to get any presents. My two oldest are… older, plus moved out, so I’m not that concerned about them, though my wife might have a differing viewpoint. But I’m sure she’d agree that our ten year old daughter deserves to have a decent Xmas.

Since I can’t seem to get anyone to read this blog anyway (any bitterness you might think you detect is strictly your imagination) I figure I can be more honest for the two or so readers that I do have. So I will admit that I am struggling just to pay the usual bills, much less free up any money for Christmas. But, like I’ve written about before on this humble site, I EXPECT BLESSINGS! So I’m keeping my head up. This is far from the first time that Christmas has looked as if it was going to be a bleak affair – last Christmas, for instance – but God has always bailed us out. I don’t expect this year to be any different.

I want to say that things have been particularly difficult lately, but I would’ve said the same thing about a month ago and, oh, about 500 – 600 times previous to that, so I’m not going to claim that this period of woe and worry is any worse than the countless other times. What I am going to do is trust God to see us through. My wife and I have been working hard. She just started back to school and I am working and going to school. And I’m talking about “going” to school – as in, going to a brick and mortar establishment, both of us. But we are working toward a better future. It means perpetual exhaustion and little time for much else, but I’m looking forward to a much better financial existence by this time next year. Then all of this will be worth it.

Plus, one thing that I’ve learned as I rapidly near the half-century mark is that I should surely expect the unexpected. I have had major changes happen in my life in the last twenty years and, though they were all, literally, answers to prayers, none of them happened in a way that I imagined or really believed could or would happen! So all I know for sure is that I expect to be in a much improved climate, financially, and soon! I’m claiming that bad-mah-bean! (What the hell is a “bad-mah-bean” anyway?)

On a related note: We just had to move out of our nice home in the suburbs and into an apartment complex (in the same suburb) a few weeks ago. One of the upsides of that occurrence is that there is a small gym, decently outfitted, at our site. So I have been hitting that mug daily! I couldn’t go yesterday because I simply didn’t have time, but other than that I have been going faithfully (well… since Sunday, anyway)! It feels good! Psychologically, I mean, as well as physically and emotionally. I quit smoking in April of 2007 and I’m committed to getting back into post-dad and husband shape and beyond!

I didn’t really go into the details of our financial travails because it’s personal but trust me when I tell you that things look bleak! But I believe… I expect things to get better… and soon!

And the thing about things looking bleak…….? None of those Matrix-like illusions mean jack! With God all things are possible!

Appearances can be deceiving.

THANKS FOR READING

I just got to work and, like I usually do, one of the first things that I did was to check to see how many persons, if anyone at all, had logged on to my blog. To my surprise I found that I had seven hits! But, in a way, I wasn’t surprised. Lately, I have been trying to stay positive and stay spiritual in my postings. Well, last night I still dealt with matters of the spirit, but it could be argued that the posting wasn’t exactly positive. I was going through something and…… Well! you can read it and see for yourself!

Anyhoo, it appears that three or four people were compelled to read this particular post and it looks like they might have told someone else or returned to read it again! Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining! In fact, I might have to let my heart bleed all out on this blog more often because I desperately want people to read it! (I still could use some comments – some feedback though)!

But, what I’m curious about is the appetite that folks have for pain. Again, I am neither complaining, nor am I trying to pass judgment on anyone else! For one thing, I am oftentimes just as prone to look for other’s pain or humiliation, their shame and degradation, as the next person.

I remember when Jerry Springer was giving Oprah a run for her money. I used to express my dismay that people chose to watch that pap day after day, wallowing in the embarrassing trials and tribulations of others. I was just as amazed, if not more so, at the willingness of many of these people to be on the show and have their dirty secrets exposed, just for their paltry little fifteen seconds of fame. It was only a matter of time before my self-righteous ass was one of the shows devotees. Well, in all fairness to myself, I wouldn’t call myself a “devotee,” but I did start watching it fairly regularly. “Hell,” I told myself and anyone who would listen, “Most of that stuff is staged anyway!”

Before that, in the eighties, there was a popular VHS series called Faces of Death. Remember that? These were a series of tapes that had scenes of people actually being killed, usually in very graphic, violent ways. Ever wonder what it looks like when someone gets shot or burns to death? Faces of Death could sate that desire. Granted, some of the scenes were also almost certainly staged as well, but there were more than enough genuine ones. At about my second or third viewing I had to stop and ask myself why I was watching this so-called entertainment. It didn’t make me feel good. In fact, I always came away from it feeling a little dirty. I never watched it again.

How about the celebrity meltdowns? What is one of the good ole US of A’s favorite pastimes? Why, watching the stars that they have helped to build up fall apart, of course! Whitney? Britney? Michael? Mel? Ummmm…… Delicious!!!

A particularly disturbing case is that of Maia Campbell, the beautiful, young former star of In The House. About a year ago a videotape surfaced on the net of her looking like hell on wheels and behaving in a way that left you to question only whether her problem was drugs, mental illness or both. Turns out it was both. Coupled with the death of her mother, the famous author, Bebe Moore Campbell, a few years earlier, her problems with mental illness and drug abuse exploded and soon she was on the streets, allegedly being exploited, used and abused like so many other faceless, nameless young girls. I watched the video on one of the online gossip sites and then, like I usually do, I perused the comments following it. If possible, the sentiments expressed in response to the video were even more disturbing and depressing than the video itself! I had to wonder what the hell is wrong with people that they could find what I just watched funny! Why did some people feel the need to disparage that suffering young woman?

I read, once, about psychic vampires. Apparently, there are those among us that feed off of the pain of others. I don’t know about you, but I know a few of those – people who seem to strengthen themselves by weakening others or from exulting in the difficulties that other people are going through. These people seem to need to look down on others in order to feel good about themselves! They feed off of pain! I’ve found myself in the clutches of these creatures on more than a few occasions in my lifetime. And, no doubt, there have been moments in my life where I’ve spilled blood myself. I’d like to think that the need to delight in other’s misfortune is not a hallmark of my makeup, but I have definitely been guilty of feeding from time to time.

Like I said at the outset, I’m not trying to put anyone else down or pass judgment. In fact, my gut feeling is that the people who have read this post are close personal friends or family members who are concerned about me, or they might be someone who is buoyed by seeing that they are not alone in the feelings that I expressed in the posting. Either way, I am truly happy to see that I got more than my usual one or none hit count. Another thing that I could possibly take from this is that maybe people are less interested in hearing me make like Deepak Chopra and more interested in hearing from Ric Davenport!

Tell me what you want! I wanna write and I want people to read it! And can a brother get some comments? They can be short, combative, whatever… but let me know something!

Thanks for reading!

OUCH

I’ve been experiencing a feeling, for the last hour or so. I don’t know exactly what to call it. It’s not loneliness; closer to emptiness. It’s not a good feeling. I’ve experienced it before. It’s kinda like hopelessness. It’s a feeling that makes a mockery of life. This life that we take so seriously kind of feels like nothing. Do you get an idea of what a truly bad feeling it is?

I don’t know where it’s coming from either. I mean, things aren’t great, but they’re no worse than they’ve often been and a lot better than they often are. So I don’t know why I’m feeling like this.

The feeling’s leaving now. It’s not completely gone, but it’s leaving. I think that me writing about it is banishing it. I think that writing about it is also giving me a little clarity. I think that I’m feeling less than. I’m feeling kind of empty and useless. It (the feeling) just kind of came out of nowhere! Weird. I’m pretty sure my sister would say that it’s the devil.

Maybe it came over me because we just moved from our big, suburban, four-bedroom home to a two-bedroom apartment and I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to make the money we have do what we need it to do. Sometimes I feel like a failure, barely providing for my family. Here’s Christmas coming again and I’m wondering how I’m going to be able to get anyone anything…… again.

Money, or lack of it, is constantly trying to steal any joy that I might have. But I didn’t prepare for the future. I never thought about it. I certainly didn’t envision the day when I would have to provide for a family – a wife and kids. So here I am. Pushing fifty and struggling to get by. I’ve alienated several people who were once good friends, a consequence of my financial failings. I have an aunt who’s got to be rounding the corner towards ninety and I am afraid to call her because I owe her money that I can’t pay her back right now. My ten-year old daughter – frustrated when we had to leave her friend’s house whose parents, our friends, had invited us for Thanksgiving dinner – in her anger expressed her dismay at having to leave to go to our little apartment when we used to live a few doors away, all because we are “poor.”


I feel like less than a man right now. I can’t believe that I’m thinking about posting this. Of course, hardly anyone reads my blog anyway, so it’s not like I’m telling the world. It’s not like I’m some asinine entertainer who has millions of “followers” that followed his every insipid tweet. At the same time, I guess that anyone who might be reading this would be thinking, “This guy’s having a public pity-party!” I guess I am. I just feel bad and I feel the need to say it. I know that it will pass, just the same as I know that this feeling is always lurking in the background somewhere, waiting for that perfect moment to step forward and start sticking those pins in.

Ouch.